Dinner was awkward, no matter how we tried to lighten up the mood and the conversation was stilted at best but I thought it was at least a step forward. Laura asked this time about why the kids were not with us, that she had made special food for them. I never mentioned the kids when I got back to her, just my husband and I but I felt like it was my fault that I didn't clarify and so I apologized for it and thanked her for thinking of them.

My sister chimed in that her kids and mine were having a cousins' sleepover tonight and how she was excited about our soon to be nephew to join them when he's here and older. Laura looked at her with a smile and said "Yeah, I'm sure he'll be best friends with his cousins (as in my kids) and his step-cousins (as in my sister's)." This pissed me off because we don't use step anything with the kids but I bit my tongue.

For context, my sister is technically my step-sister. I know I used step-dad in my first post, I usually call him by his first name. I consider him a parental figure since he raised me since I was 10 but I had a dad and the title will always be his.

My sister gave her a hurt look but it was my brother who nudged his wife with a 'what are you doing?' look. A few minutes went by again with eating and light convo before Laura asked again about our kids, mainly who was watching them since all 4 parents are here. I told her that my neighbor and her daughters are babysitting to which she laughed at and joked about how incompetent the girls and their mom must be to need all three of them to wrangle the kids.

Also for context: I have 4 kids. I'm biased and like to think they're well-behaved but they're sometimes too much for one person to handle, even me, and I'm the one that brought them into this world. Add my sister's two kids and it's a lot for two teenage girl to handle even for just a few hours (We left at 7 at said we'll be back at 11) It has absolutely nothing to do with the girls whom my kids adore or their mom who is as kind as they come. Before I could retort anything, my mom stepped in with one of her smiles and told Laura that it's so kind of her to offer her own competence and watch the kids next time. That shut her up real fast.

After that dinner was even more awkward until we cleared the table and Laura brought out dessert while my brother got the cake from the fridge. Here's where I lost the last of my remaining braincells. I went to the bathroom and when I came out, I saw my husband carrying my bag and trying to usher me out of the front door to leave. He looked pissed and I was beyond confused and obviously resisted because yes, the dinner is a trainwreck but let me at least say goodbye and give a lame excuse for our departure.

When my husband tried to literally carry me out, I knew something was wrong and after a couple of tries, I darted past him back to the dining room.

Laura's now ready dessert table consisted of PB cake pops, PB pie, PB cookies, PB brownies and top it all off, a PB birthday cake that my brother brought in and was sniffing at with a horrified look.

Laura then gave me a big smile and said loudly to my family "I thought I should at least get to have my cravings on my birthday. Get your fill before she throws these out too."

I honestly thought for a second that my sister was going to tackle her and I wasn't that far behind her because all I could think about was the fact that she thought my kids were coming and she planned this accordingly. I've felt so guilty for allowing the stuff in our house the last time and if my sister's kids hadn't wanted the sleepover, I was going to walk my son into danger a second time.

I lost my shit. Without thinking about my actions, I grabbed Laura's head, forced her talk towards my brother who was I think too shocked to react and slammed her head straight into the cake. I held it down as long as I could while she flailed and told her I hope she chokes on her cravings before I let her go.

I honestly wanted to go for the pie too but I had embarrassed myself enough by acting like that in the first place so I told my brother that I'm done with both him and his wife and if they try to contact me or my family again, I'm filing for a protective order then I let my husband lead me out. My sister was cackling as she followed us with her husband but our parents stayed back.

I heard Laura screaming profanities after us but my step-dad raised his voice which shut her up. I got a lot of jokes about his frown on my first post but the man is as stoic as they come, him showing any emotion is a big deal. I remember that his frown alone growing up was enough to literally stop my sister and I in our tracks bc we knew if he gave us one that we messed up.

I haven't asked my mom what happened after we left because I can't handle anymore heartache from my brother or his actions.

I don't think this was the update anyone wanted, least of all me but I'm completely done with the both of them. Even though my brother looked like he had no idea, the stuff was in his house, happening under his damn roof. I'm sad I won't be in my nephew's life and my kids won't get to know the new cousin they've been waiting for but I'd rather cry over that than over my son's life. I don't expect anyone to be kind in the comments, I'm 32, I shouldn't have been so naive and I know I shouldn't have reacted like that and I'm going to be dealing with that with my therapist along with the guilt I'm feeling but please take it easy on me, I'm still shaken up. I'm also looking into family therapy for my kids so they can better process not having their uncle and aunt around after them having been a close presence in their lives.

Top Comments

Commenter 1: Your brother will lose his family or his wife. She won’t allow him to have both.

Commenter 2: When Laura invited you all for dinner at her place, I was thinking "There is no way she is gonna do it, right? There is no way she would purposefully serve nuts, right?"

Holy CRAP! This woman needs psychotic help! She either WANTED harm to befall your child or STILL has not learnt the consequences of her actions from last time!

I wouldn't believe any more apologies from this woman or your brother. Until your brother divorces this woman, he needs to be kept away from your children just as much as she does.

Slamming her face into the cake does not make you an asshole. It makes you a parent who understands that this psycho needs more extreme measures to get some sense knocked into her in order to protect your family

Commenter 3: She tried to kill your child...again. INTENTIONALLY. This woman should not be allowed to have children! Nta at all.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7 THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

Good luck OP.

Wtf this AI I hope?

NEW UPDATE Update 2 Oct 11, 2024

I’m considering canceling our wedding and calling off our engagement over a pizza.

TL/DR; After canceling his health insurance without discussion or my knowledge, and a severe lack of support, consideration, and accountability, I’m considering calling everything off.

Buckle up, because this is a long one…

While the drama around my fiance’s best man has simmered, the deeper issues surrounding a lack of support have not. Apologies in advance for this not being center around my finance’s best man — not much has honestly changed. A conversation between them was had, much of which was my fiancé assuring him that things would blow over and accommodating Jay’s stresses that it was only a joke. While my fiancé acknowledged what was said was wrong, the conversation wasn’t to set boundaries. I eventually had to have my own conversation with Jay that my fiance stood silently in the room for.

I reached my breaking point two weeks ago. Following everything with his best man and a few other challenges we’d been facing, I tried putting my best foot forward these past six months. I sought out therapy to address the lack of support and anxiety I was feeling and have made intentional efforts to work on our relationship to ensure we were in a stronger place before committing to each other.

In May, after some unexpected and startling health concerns requiring a need for an emergency room visit, my fiancé came clean to me about secretly canceling his health insurance in January without talking to or telling me. When I asked him why, he blamed the cost of the wedding being too expensive and wanting to save the $150 a month, taking no other accountability for his actions, outside of an apology.

I have a small amount of experience in accounting and have budgeted the wedding down to the last dollar. This has included the consideration of inflation, and other potentials as well. In total, from the smallest decoration to the cost of a marriage certificate, everything comes down to around $22,000 dollars, all of which I have strategically budgeted for throughout our two year engagement. My parents have graciously given us $14,000 as well to help with the expenses and I have personally taken on the price of my dress, wedding bands, and a slightly larger portion of the vendors.

To put it simply, while it may not be as much as others, we have privilege. Not only was there no need for this cancelation, but I have yet to see any of that additional support for expenses.

Regardless, in response, I took it upon myself to take more of the costs on and pursue a part time job on top of my full time position that earns roughly $70,000 a year. While it’s not by a large margin, I do make the most between us individually, and have a larger responsibility in my daily work life with longer hours and a significant level of expected travel as a result. The choice to take on a part time role was not one of want, but of desire to ease the burden he was feeling.

I started a role reviewing blogs, essays, resumes, and other forms of writing in July, and our relationship quickly unraveled. Because I commute, I typically arrive home 3 hours after my fiancé. After arriving, I would immediately have to hop on my laptop and review writings for the next two hours or so to stay on top of my quota. I tried my best to make a routine out of it, so we would have intentional time together once I finished each night. This was met with cold shouldering, frustration, and a lack of consideration for my level of exhaustion and strain for months. Anytime I asked him to choose a show to watch or decide on dinner while (he usually does cook because I get home so much later) while I revised, I was met with scoffs and accusations that I no longer cared to tend to our relationship. I tried countless times to address his frustrations, and was shut out or cornered in a circular argument about my priorities.

Two weeks ago, I was slated to travel for my full time position to Atlanta during Hurricane Helene. In a matter of 12 hours, my afternoon flight for the next day was shifted to one leaving at 5:00am, to give me ample time to shelter in place prior to the arrival of the storm. I rushed home to finish packing and prepare myself to drive over an hour to the airport and stay at a hotel nearby for additional flexibility in case of issues surrounding my early travel that next morning.

After arriving home, I immediately hopped in the shower and asked my fiancé to order dinner so we could have one final meal together. During my shower, he offered to order a hot honey, jalapeño, and pineapple pizza from a new place we’d been wanting to try. Which I normally, would have been happy to try. However, I don’t like jalapeño the way some people don’t like cilantro, and am avidly against pineapple on pizza. Something that’s come up multiple times during our relationship. And while I’m good with spice, the idea of taking that on with the travel stress and early start time I had the next day made me hesitant. I calmly asked if there was another option for tonight and if we could try that specific pizza once I got home instead, expressing my concerns over my nerves, which received a frustrated scoff and sarcastic response of “what then, just cheese?” I explained any other topping combination would work, and restated my issues. He walked out of the bathroom without response, and I finished my shower.

The pizza was never ordered, no food was ordered. I followed up as soon I got out of the shower, asking if there was another option he wanted or place he wanted to consider, and received a prompt no. As I finished getting ready, I asked if anything had been ordered again, and no. I finally snapped and begged and demanded him to order the hot honey pizza because I was out of time. He accused me of making him feel like he’s forcing me into the decision, but after a bit of back and forth, the pizza was ordered and the mood immediately shifted, Everything was peaceful, warm, and loving at home up until I left. Yet, I cried the entire hour and fifteen minute drive to the airport hotel.

I cried the entire next day, throughout the storm in Atlanta, and the entire day after. Following a lack of sleep, stress, and intense emotions, I had a complete mental breakdown, realizing I can’t live like this. I called my fiancé and poured out every frustration, emotion, and feeling, which I admit was probably not presented in the best light, but none of it was well received.

In the two weeks since, despite many attempts, conversations have gone no where, with only ultimatums being offered for me to make. I’ve proposed countless alternatives that focus on us working on ourselves and together these next few months, but he is only seeking an answer to whether or not we will be getting married next summer, and has made it known this is a decision that must be made by the end of October. At this point, I don’t see how I can possibly gain the confidence to commit myself to him by next summer.

For the sake of not doubling the length of this post, I will leave it at this for now. All of this is being discussed with my therapist. At this time, he has chosen not to pursue counseling with me, despite my asking and advocating. Many words have been expressed, and I am trying. But I’m starting to second guess and waiver on just how far love can get me through all of this.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

RELEVANT COMMENTS/ADDITIONAL INFO

miserablywinning

Whew I have a couple of comments…

How were you/fiance friends with this guy for that long and been okay with his behavior? ​

Why is his best man so comfortable to even joke about something like that? ​

Why does he need time to digest cutting him off? ​

Why is he even still involved in the wedding??? Me personally, I wouldn’t allow anyone to disrespect my significant other, let alone someone I am supposed to be marrying, best man or not. I think they are both walking red flags. Jay for being a misogynist and your fiance for not cutting him out of the wedding and his life. These things can be taken as a joke sure but the level of disrespect is too great and your fiance should stick up for you if he has any shroud of decency and respect for you as his fiance and soon to be wife.

OOP

Happy to answer, since I think it will be helpful for many. I also added a very small edit to the update to acknlowedge a bit of this.

​

Much of this behavior has developed over time and a part from all of us. As a kid he always had a superiority complex, but he was also very kind and respectful. It came off more as immaturity than anything else. Plus, at the time, we were kids too. Following high school, Jay and I each moved a significant distance away from where we grew up. He still lives that far away. We get together maybe four times a year at most, and ​

I genuinenly believe he did not see me as more than some woman to use as collateral to knock his 'friend' down when he made those comments. ​

Fiance has no brothers, and Jay has always been a part of his life, filling that space. Jay also has no immediate family in his life, and hasn't for quite sometime, making Fiance's role a bit more impactful. It is much more similar to him cutting off a brother than just another friend. Fiance has also always been extremely kind and had a very peaceful soul. Don't get me wrong, while Fiance prefers to avoid conflict, he has always been willing to stand up when necessary as well. I don't believe he realized how much had been at his expense as of late until after our conversation. Given their long history, I believe he's reflecting on a lot more than just this specific situation. ​

The wedding is still over a year away, and not untill the end of next summer. And this all has happened in less than a week. Neither Fiance or I have talked with Jay yet, so I did not feel it was right to post about any hard decisions regarding cutting him from the wedding, and so on. "These things can be taken as a joke sure but the level of disrespect is too great and your fiance should stick up for you if he has any shroud of decency and respect for you as his fiance and soon to be wife."

This was a huge part of the larger conversation we had and something my fiance acknowledged as well. I think initially, it was viewed under the lens of us collectively being childhood friends, and Fiance as the mediator, rather than the lens of me as his wife until our second, much larger conversation.

OOP's reply about the fiances reaction

"It’s only been a handful of days since this all came to light. I wish your fiancé’s reaction had been more about coming to your defense than Jay’s, but understand that sometimes people need time to truly process all that contributes to a messy situation, especially one with deep roots and close ties."

Thank you for conveying this so well. I did my best to add an emphasis to this, but could not do so as well in my own words and fear it got lost in the length of the post (something for me to work on in future posts for sure).

I very much have worries, and knowing my personality, will also be worried day-of. I expressed this to my fiance as well, and he completely understood. I recognize there is still plenty of concern to still address with my fiance. But given how fresh this situation is, I wanted to afford myself a little grace of absorbing my feelings for what has happened before figuring out exactly what to do. I lost a friend too.

NEW UPDATE

I spoke in depth with one of the groomsmen to have further transparency of the situation and what was explicitly said. He acknowledged that the conversation initially centered around the excitement they had for the wedding, and Jay clearly stating he wanted to give Fiance and I the best wedding and experience possible.

The conversation evolved and Jay mentioned looking for 'icebreakers' for his speech/toast and began bouncing a varierty of 'distasteful jokes' that focused more so on the expense of my fiance than anything else. Then the idea was proposed about explicitly stating that my being 'passed around the friend group' was how they all remained 'relatively close since middle school and high school.' Jay was immediately shut down by the other groomsmen, told to know his audience, and also recognize he was openly alluding to things that were untrue and that could have an extremely negative impact on me personally. The conversation stopped shortly after this, and the groomsmen, without context of how this issue had been escalating, chalked it up to a one-off situation with Jay acting full of himself in the moment.

Fiance and I are the first of our cohort to get married and have a full blown wedding with a ceremony and reception. These comments did not start escalating untill after our engagement roughly one year ago, following Jay's breakup with his long term girlfriend. Jay has never made comments like this to me or my fiance privately or when it is just the three of us together. Any scenario where this has been an issue has been in an environment which involved others, and mostly others that are not a part of this cohort from middle school.

...So, what next?

As mentioned in my original post, I spoke with Fiance in detail about the situation and how I was feeling. When all of this had been brought to our attention a few days prior, in an attempt to preserve myself in the moment, I brushed it off more so than I probably should have. I do not blame Fiance for not having any immediate or strong reaction in the moment, because I had avoided one myself.

I think it's imoprtant to note that Jay is not a day-to-day character in our lives. While he travels frequently for work that brings him to our area, we live states a part. He has not lived in the same area as me or my fiance since high school. Much of this evolution with his personality has happened in the last few years as well. I recognize this is not an excuse for the lack of accountability on our part, but felt it added important context that this was not something that was observed and ignored daily, but one that has slowly been recognized over time, since we maybe see him 4 times a year at most.

Fiance was extremely open in conversation, immediately brought up having a conversation with Jay, but admitted to not viewing this as anything more than Jay 'just being Jay' and that he was 'all talk.' At this point, we had only discussed how Jay had continually escalated the situation and how uncomfortable I had now become from this. The lack of accountability Fiance had made for Jay's action definitely hurt, but then I recalled a commenter who had asked if I still considered Jay a friend because he actually was, or because 'that was how it has always been.'

To sum up what turned into a lengthier and much more productive conversation with Fiance, I told him that while I recognized his friendship with Jay was something that had always been a part of his life, I did not personally want to be friends with him anymore after this. I brought to Fiance's attention that while the scenario was explicitly about me, and attacking the integrity and character of a 12 year old girl, every action or usage of the scenario was used against him to invalidate his accomplishments of getting married or make him come off as less than.

I told Fiance it was up to him on how he handles his conversation with Jay, but regardless, the disrespect Jay had shown me in this was a clear statement of what he thought of our own personal friendship. I firmly believe it is not my place to force how my fiance handles his own personal relatiobship with Jay in this. All of this was deeply taken to heart, and you could tell that Fiance had started coming to his own realizations as the conversation progressed. He recognized that if the roles were reversed, or if it had been any one of my bridesmaids slandering me or him in any way, he would be firmly advocating for me to reevaluate my friendship with them.

Fiance asked for a few days to stomach the information himself and reflect on what he wants to say to Jay. He asked if it would be acceptable for him to bring up that I no longer wanted to be friends with Jay personally, and I said yes. I was clear that if Jay wanted to talk with me following their conversation as well, it would need to be the three of us and not a personal converasation.

I am still evaluating how to approach the speeches/toasts at our wedding and open to perspectives and ideas. For now, I reserved the right with my Fiance to omit Jay from giving a speech and having my fiance choose another groomsmen to do so in his place, potentially canceling the speeches/toasts altogether, and if Jay is allowed to give a toast, telling the DJ to cut the mic if need be. All of which he agreed with.

There is still plenty of time for the situation to develop, and for potential future updates, but I wanted to again thank those that emphasized the seriousness of this issue, gave their honest input and advice on how to handle the situation, and provided perspective on what they belive should be done next. When originally posting, I was still in a state of shock, trying to accept the situation as it had unfolded. Your responses contsructively pushed me into the reality of what was happening, and what I was feeling.

They should have pulled her when the photos went online.

Justify, not really. Just saying after all the Child Therapy the impulse to destroy them for me is an improvement over the crippling fear. Based on my slow improvement with other phobias I going to need a really strong motivation to change any behavior. From my perspective, nothing is lost if every bug/rodent is removed from my home. Since there is a whole job market to remove them from homes. I guess the question I have to ask is why let them live?

Subnautica entered the chat.

The chickens too! The poor lobsters. Let me tell you about the lobsters. The boil them alive with their tied up ittty bitty claws. Then apply butter. Everyone's talking about it. I saw it on Facebook.

No Way takes a month. Took me 6 months to set the towels the way my partner wants it. And the socks? I still miss it up if I'm not paying attention.

So fun fact, The first childhood house was infested. Apparently I suffer massive trauma from a large number of bugs falling on me from weak ceiling that I mentally blocked out. Mom thinks its why I destroy them on sight with Astartes zeal. Frankly, is this way better than when I was a child. I remember crying at the sight of a bug until about elementary. Couldn't even see a animated 2d bug without minor panic attacks. Then fear turned to a purification crusade*. *(while Im inside, outside is all them unless mosquito, wasps, ticks...etc)

Ah I see. I aways took this at face value since it seemed made up by "The wild Dreams of a deluded child" and devs just went with it.

While I agree with commentor 2 she doesn't have options. Seems like her family disowned her over it and her friends are following the money. she should have gathered evidence of the abuse but the guy has access to her phone and finances. Difficult position to be In if true for her. She went to the only Person she can trust the only one that wasn't in it for the money.

I was really angry with the whole situation, and agreed to help her. I got the tickets immediately and did not email her any details. I only told her the confirmation numbers when packed and reached the airport. She flew to my city and is staying in my guest room. As expected, hell broke loose as soon as she called her parents to tell them that she has left Jason and is with me. She told them and our friends why she did what she did. However, everyone just thought that we had an affair, and she left Jason for me. Jason was really angry and demanded her to come home or they are done. His parents called her to plead her to come back and talk about things calmly. Her dad refused to talk to her, while her mom flew to my city and we all met and she told her what happened. Her mom was more worried about their reputation than what Lisa went though in the last few months. It was just sickening.

Lisa is looking for lawyers to file for a divorce, and has refused to talk to Jason since she came here. Jason has not made an attempt to visit her, and initially sent he a lot of threatening messages. I feel he was adviced not to send any more incriminating messages to her, and the messages from him suddenly stopped and there is radio silence.

Lisa is currently living with me for the last month. She has offered to pay me rent, but I have told her to just save up for any legal fees, as it seems her parents might cut her off. Many of our mutual friends still refuse to believe what Jason did, and some feel we were having an affair. Many of them have completely stopped talking to Lisa and me, and even removed us from their socials.

Lisa looks like an empty shell of herself. She was the most kind, fun person when we were together. Even though she keeps a brave face, she just bursts into tears randomly. I feel she has still not told me the whole story on what Jason did to her, but I am just going to be a good friend and give her the space she needs.

I, honestly am not sure how to feel. Everything happened so suddenly, I never had a time to react and think if what I am doing is right. I don't know how I got in a situation where my married ex is now living with me. I cannot kick her out, and I want to be there to support her in such a horrible time. However, a part of me also does not know if what I am doing is right and as she is still a married woman, and I do not want to be labeled as a home wreaker or a cheater. Any advice would be appreciated.

Edit: Just wanted to add some context since many of you are asking about it in the comments.

• Lisa left her main phone home when she left since her husband can track her phone. He was already paranoid that Lisa would leave him, and was tracking all accounts, and Lisa's whereabouts. She did not want to let anyone know she was at my place. However, I insisted that she at least call and tell her parents that she was safe, else they would have thought she disappeared and might have gone to cops to file a missing person report.

• Jess did not help her because Lisa did not tell Jess or any of our friends about the abuse. All Lisa told me was that she did not trust any of our friends right now (I am still not sure why and what happened there). However, most of our friends have sided with Jason, and he is spreading a false narrative that Lisa married him for money and waited for 6 months exactly so that she is eligible for a significant alimony (based on their prenup). Everyone suspects that we (Lisa and I) planned this whole charade for Jason's money.

• Lisa left and came me because she wanted to put as much physical distance between Jason and her before she told him that she was leaving him.

• And of course Lisa and I are not getting back together. I understand the vulnerable position she is in, and I just want to make sure she is safe.

• Finally, what are my future plans? I am taking one day at a time. I luckily have a very well-paying job now and do not have to worry financially supporting her for a short time. However, I do understand Lisa cannot live with me forever and we need to figure out something as soon as things settle down.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Whoa, what a wild ride. Although it seems like you made the right decision in blocking her at first, I'm happy you were able to intervene and support her during her difficult time. It's terrible when people put their reputation before the welfare of others. I'm sending Lisa my best wishes and hoping that everything turns out well for her in the end.

OOP: It is just crazy to see Lisa go through so much in the last few months, and no one is standing in her corner. I also hope she finds strength.

Commenter 2: Ok, she should not be living with you. You are not her savior. Maybe what she’s telling you is true and maybe it’s exaggerated to gain your sympathy. She needs to end her marital relationship and deal with her baggage from that before jumping back in with you. All of the reasons she threw you over for her husband still exist. She is still married. Period. she can go live with her parents. If he has money and she doesn’t it could be a long messy divorce. Step back and let her deal with her crap.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7 THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

Oof something about someone asking anything physical from someone injured. Gives me vibes on how Homelander treated lady liberty.

Update: October 10, 2024 (almost one month later)

See previous post about how my bf pressured me for sex after a serious car accident and kept comparing me to his ex wife while I was in recovery:

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/s/BTMNvT3FBE

Oof the title alone is so painful to even read now, but anyways. So I ended things with my bf. It was very hard for me to come to terms with the fact that he is so extremely selfish and maybe only cared about what I could provide him with this whole relationship. I really didn’t want to have to admit this but it was the truth and in my time of vulnerability it was extremely clear.

After what happened, I knew I had to walk away, but he really seemed like he wanted to try to fix things and seemed to feel very remorseful for being so selfish and causing so many issues instead of being there for me after in my recovery. But after only a week or two, it was back to him being very passive aggressive, refusing to communicate, and thinking I’m not doing enough for him. It was very exhausting and I knew I was done.

He also admitted he didn’t see a future with me and had too many fears as a result of his past marriage. Not at all a surprise unfortunately. I’m really pissed he couldn’t figure this out and communicate it before I moved in. But now I’m kinda glad the accident happened because it made things very clear how unbalance this relationship has been from the start and was never going to change. I’m embarrassed it took me so long to admit to myself that I knew he didn’t want to be a partner in this partnership.

When I brought all this up to end things, he agreed we should end it, as I deserved someone who can support me and communicate in the ways I needed. He knows he has a lot of fucking work to do in individual therapy, but whether he actually changes or not is not my problem. But if he’s this unhealed at his age and has been in therapy a few years already, I don’t think there’s any hope for him. But again not my problem.

Now I can focus on my healing and recovery and finding someone who can actually be there though thick and thin, sickness and health. I’m glad I got to see him for who he is sooner rather than later. I’m very mad he wasted so much of my time and took so much of my effort away from my own healing but that’s what selfish people do I suppose. At least he finally could be honest with himself and me that he knew this wasn’t going anywhere and he didn’t want to put the effort in.

He’s got a long and probably lonely road ahead of him I think and I do too with my healing, but I know I have the awareness and communication skills to build a relationship I know I deserve. I still have a lot of pain and stress from the accident and I’m glad I have the freedom to focus on that. Sad how much my healing was delayed in this insanity, but it is what it is now.

He said I can stay in the spare bedroom for as long as I need and he wants to help me box and move whatever I need, but my plan is to stay at my parents briefly then maybe stay with a friend while I look for a more long term roomate. I am extremely broke with medical bill from the accident so it’ll be some time before I can save some money for my own place even with a roommate, but I just started a new job so it’s possible.

Thank you everyone for being honest and real with me. I didn’t want to hear it but needed to. Now I can heal physically, mentally, and spiritually while he more than likely will be stuck where he’s at with his selfishness and entitlement prolly forever.

Thank you again everyone.

Any other encouragement is much appreciated.

TLDR; Ended relationship with my selfish boyfriend after he pressured me for sex after a serious car accident and kept comparing me to his ex wife. Now free to focus on my own healing and recovery

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Very proud of you! He sounds like he is not bf or marriage material and a complete jerk! I would even question his version of events in regard to his ex wife and why the break up. You can be certain you are not the first one he has done this to, and sadly won’t be the last.

OOP: Thank you! Yeahh I really am shocked he thought he could be in a long term relationship with this many selfish issues. But I guess people like that cannot self reflect. I’m just glad I saw it before I got in any deeper with him. I know lol he claims she had an affair, but if she did I’m sure it was because he pushed her and pressured her for sex until she had enough. I’d love to sit down and talk with her but doesn’t seem appropriate to reach out to her since we’ve never met or anything.

But yeah he’s likely to move on fast and treat another girl the exact same entitled and demanding way.

OOP on ending the toxic relationship

OOP: Yes it was very toxic and it’s clear now that he was only in it based on what I could provide and do for him. Yeah the guilt is not so bad at all a few days later cause I realize I don’t have much to be guilty for. But yes enforcing clear boundaries and not ignoring early red flags are a must now are going to be essential for me to work on when I start dating again. Which is gonna be very long time anyways. But thank you for the advice and kind words, I appreciate it lots!

Yeah it was a hard decision, but necessary for my own healing and sanity. But yeah there is no fixing anything with a person that selfish, emotionally unavailable, and entitled who refuses to put in effort in my time of need. Whether he comes back or not doesn’t matter at this point cause I can never trust or even be attracted to him ever again. But I’ll be aware that could happen. I’ll be so focused on my health and bettering my own life, I’m confident it’ll be way to late for him

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7 THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

OOP responds on getting couple counseling or a therapist to deal with the communication issues

OOP: Luckily we aren’t locked into a lease but it’s “his” house (as he’s reminded me so many times, I just live there) so I’d need to be the one to move my stuff out.

But yeah these last few month have been incredibly difficult. I knew this was a red flag when at the beginning of the relationship he talked about all the horrible things his ex wife did to him and seemed to have no insight into what he did to cause that marriage to end too. My own fault I guess for ignoring the red flags. But yeah I guess you’re right, I’m nothing more than a rebound cause he didn’t want to be alone. Really sucks to come to terms with that, but it is what it is now.

But yeah no moving forward if he doesn’t want to put in effort and communicate despite the fact I’ve scheduled check in weekly where he can discuss these things. He admitted he isn’t trying because he’s too discouraged things aren’t back to normal I guess. But he never discusses these things in a calm and mature way. Instead he brings up his issues with passive aggressive, rude comments and at the worst times. (Like I’ve asked him not to bring these issues up right before bed or before I’ve eaten but he doesn’t care to not cross that boundary…) I feel Im putting in so much effort and I’m just so tired and hurt.

We technically have an appointment with a counselor a month from now. Even though I’ve been begging for us to get a counselor for a month already. He is going thru his insurance even though it’s gonna take too long and the mental health services with that insurance are awful. The real kicker is that I feel he definitely can afford a therapist out of pocket. He makes 6 figs and 3x as much as me and if he really wanted to, he could easily afford it, but he claims he can’t afford it right now. He just doesn’t care enough I guess.

I’m sorry about the state of your relationship. It is a shame when people in committed relationships won’t step up and fix things like they should.

But thank you for the advice. I’m still not sure how to plan my exit but I will look into it more.

After seeing how little effort and no improvement on communication on his part. I don’t think this can be repaired even if I wanted to make it work.

I’m just too tired and frustrated and just don’t know if I have it in me to fix this mess.

But yes he apparently has a lot of resentments towards me because he never communicates effectively before things get out of hand. Yesterday he said “I have a lot of issues in this relationship and maybe I should share instead of keeping it to myself” like DUH I’ve been begging him to communicate for 3 years so I don’t think it’ll change ever.

The communication and lack of reassurance about the future was an issue long before the accident. But after the accident I don’t think I can ever get over how he treated me at my most vulnerable.

Thanks for the advice. Gonna end it tomorrow.

Pssh thats temporary. Just think of the growth Russia will have later. They are going to tired of it. Soo much winning.

Narrator: It got worst

This photo is how he is on the inside. Man started a trend of suffering humans continue honoring till this day.

Damn really? Now I really wanna play the games again. PC port when!?