My (29f) fiance's (29m) best man is 'joking' with his other groomsmen about slut shaming me during his best man speech as a joke, what do I do? (New Update)

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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2024-10-18 04:00:02+00:00.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/sammiiesosa

My (29f) fiance's (29m) best man is 'joking' with his other groomsmen about slut shaming me during his best man speech as a joke, what do I do?

Originally posted to r/TwoHotTakes

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TRIGGER WARNING: misogyny, sexism, emotional neglect

Original Post  Apr 1, 2024

My fiance, best man, groomsmen, and I have known each other since we were kids. We collectively met between 6th and 7th grade and have been running around in the same friend group ever since. The group has grown and shrunk over the years, but a small core of us have remained extremely close.

Recently, my fiance's best man Jay (30m) has been making jokes when we're hanging out about the two us dating that have now escalated. Admittedly, when I met Jay in 6th grade I had the hugest crush on him, and everyone knew. I was much taller than average for a girl at that age and he was one of two guys in the entire school as tall as me. That, though, is where the story ends.

I had one hell of an awkward phase in middle school, and he was very clear from the start that he was not into it. Post-awkward phase, as friends and adults, it was something we constantly joked about, but never seriously, since everything between us had always been platonic.

This joke of me being rejected by him has now recently turned into how he "dated me first" whenever Fiance and I are around. Despite the inaccuracy and an increase of it being brought up, everything has remained pretty light hearted in context and while annoying, is something I have been able to brush off or quickly rebuttal.

This escalated this weekend when two of Fiance's groomsmen were over hanging out with Fiancé and I. The wedding was brought up, and after a concerning look between the two, they mentioned something had happened with Jay they thought we should know about. Apparently Jay had been telling them stories he was considering for his best man speech, with the main one centering around how I had been "shared around" and had "made my way through the entire friend group." While they kept what was explicitly said fairly vague out of respect for me, they were clear it crossed the line and insinuated I had slept with the entirety of the group attending the wedding.

They were very clear with Jay that he could not say anything like this in his speech/toast. Jay responded with an "I know" stating that I had already made it clear my Maid of Honor would be proof reading all speeches prior to the wedding, so he "wouldn't be able to get away with it anyway" -- but ended the conversation by saying something along the lines of "but what if I could?" leaving the possibility open.

Of all the groomsman in the party (6 including Jay) these two were the only ones in this core friend group, and the only ones I had any sort of history with that could potentially be notable. It  was all prior to high school and very innocent.

One I went on my first movie date with, where our parents had to drop each of us off because we couldn't drive, and picked us up afterwards. The other was the classic "first" six-month relationship in middle school where it took six weeks to muster up enough courage to hug each other between classes in the hallway. Sure, we madeout and very middle-school-level things happened. But this is something we've all laughed about now for over a decade. I wasn't the only girl in this larger friend group, and throughout the years, this was something that happened pretty frequently. Because we grew up in a smaller area, overlap happened like this regularly in every group and even more so as we went through high school.

My fiance is the only one I have seriously dated or had any sort of intimate relationship with of this friend group. We had an on-again, off-again relationship throughout high school that ended for a bit once I moved out of state for college, but we remained close friends and eventually reconnected when I moved back in 2019. We started dating in 2021 and got engaged in 2023. He's the only one in all of this I have ever slept with, who has seen me naked, and so-on, making this situation even more odd and off-putting.

Jay and I have been close friends since high school. When Fiance was in a toxic relationship that isolated him from Jay after I had left for college, Jay would reach out to me for advice on school, girls, relationship and more. He had always been our number one supporter, advocating for Fiance and I to reconcile our relationship throghout college and into adulthood. He even took a bit of credit and would throw around an "I told you so" here and there when we eventually did reconnect.

I'm not sure how to handle this. I could write an additional post about how frustrated, confused, wronged, and uncomfortable I feel, all of which I plan to discuss in more detail with Fiance after sitting on the issue for a bit longer. We've all talked about it, recognizing the way Jay is framing things is wrong, but Fiance and the groomsmen are able to brush it off in a way I feel like I can't. I don't know how to move forward from this or what to do next.

Additional Information

1. Fiancé and I aren’t getting married until the end of next summer, so much of the conversations had about toasts and speeches have been more theoretical, except that a few have asked for the opportunity to give a toast (including best man). We have loosely put this information in save the dates, on the website, and other prints.

2. Fiancé and best man have been best friends since kindergarten. They were neighbors and inseparable until they each went their own way for college. My fiancé’s parents basically raised him alongside fiancé.

3. Jay has strictly only ever expressed platonic feelings for me. Even when both single, or alone together, we have only ever acted as friends towards each other after the embarrassing early middle school crush I had.

TL;DR - My fiance's best man is lying about having history with me as well as my history with others, proposing the idea that he calls me out as a joke for being shared around their friend group in his best man speech/toast at our wedding. I don't know how to move forward from this or what to do next.

Update Apr 3, 2024

First, I wanted to thank those who were clear and honest about how alarming the situation was from their perspective. When posting I was still processing various feelings about the matter, and still am, which not only limited by ability to really look at the situation from a different perspective, but also left me in a state of paralysis of what to do next, both long and short term.

Given the nature of this situation, there was a lot of historical context that was ommitted to avoid making the orignal post too lengthy. I have done my best to include context that seems most relevant based on the original comments in my update below.

UPDATE

Since posting, I have spoken in further detail to both my fiance and one of the other groomsmen. I also confided in my maid of honor about the situation for an additional perspective outside of this specific friend group. After these conversations and reading through all comments on the original post, I've come to realize the significance of a few key details:

• Jay has a deep rooted superiority complex. He always has, and it is something many in our friend group have become acustomed to. He has always been the type who seemed to believe he was the standout amongst his friends. Whether that be through education, athletics, his career, or with women.

• Jas has also always been a bit egocentric, and a lack of accountability or consequences for his actions has been growing for some time now. Despite it almost always being unintentional, he more often than not is oblivious to the inconveniences and harm he causes others, as long as it is beneficial to his personal ego.

• This is about jealousy from a few different angles, but not about me specifically. When looking at the full picture, this escalation feels like a continued attempt to knock my fiance down for reaching that next stage in life. Whether that is because Fiance has reached it before him or has moved onward without him, I cannot say for sure.

• Jay has issues with misogyny that have also been escalating in tangent with everything else. His lack of respect for the women he has dated has also seemed to increase. Much of the personal tension him and I have had recently pertain to his perspective of women that have begun to veer into a more direspectful realm, alluding to an increased belief that due to their gender alone, women are inferior.

• The good friend he was to me over the years, who was always kind and supportive, who never overstepped boundaries and was always there when needed, can exist in tangent with the above information. They are not mutually exclusive. Life happens and people grow, sometimes in opposite directions.

I spoke in depth with one of the groomsmen to have further transparency of the situation and what was explicitly said. He acknowledged that the conversation initially centered around the excitement they had...

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