Bf (33M) not being supportive after my (31F) car accident. Repeatedly brings up sex frequency and compares me to his ex wife, despite me setting a boundary not to. Worth going to couples counseling?

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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2024-10-17 04:02:12+00:00.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/ScarlettBitch69

Bf (33M) not being supportive after my (31F) car accident. Repeatedly brings up sex frequency and compares me to his ex wife, despite me setting a boundary not to. Worth going to couples counseling?

Trigger Warnings: emotional abuse and manipulation

Original Post: September 17, 2024

Me (30) and my bf (33) have been together for almost 3 years. I've felt he treated me very well up until recently. He was in a previous marriage before we met and she had an affair and he told me he was over it. We moved in together a few months ago and have been having major adjustment issues.

On top of that, about a month ago, I was in a very bad car accident when truck ran the red and T-boned into me, totaling my car and landing me in the hospital for a bit. I had concussion, tons of cuts and bruises, and extreme shoulder, neck, and back pain, which is still an issue. My boyfriend was very supportive the first two weeks after it happened and I appreciated it.

Then we had a fight one night a couple weeks ago about me sleeping in the other bedroom since my insomnia has been so bad since the crash. He acted like I was doing it because I wanted space or something, but it was purely because of my insomnia and how difficult it is for me to get comfortable post accident with the back pain and the fact he moves a lot in his sleep. I told him my health was non negotiable and that he cannot take it personally that I need to focus on my health and rest right now.

About a week later, I still had a lot of soreness and pain but was getting a bit better. So we went out to dinner and after he asked if we could spend some time in the bedroom together I hesitated because I wasn’t sure if sex was a good idea because of the soreness. He got pouty and closed off like he does sometimes when I “reject” him. But I still laid with him and I asked for a massage for my shoulder hoping maybe I could be up for sex after a massage. But he said his hand hurt and just went to sleep.

In the morning he wanted to have sex again, but mornings are very hard for me since that’s peak soreness and I tried to explain that but he wasn't being understanding at all. He went off and said once a week for sex is not enough for him and this has been going on even before the accident and that he feels unloved when I reject him. I explained again that my body is not well, so I’m not going to be up for sex as much at this time and that generally I believe sex once a week is average for most working adults.

Also we had sex on a weekly basis after the accident too, so nothing changed and I didn’t understand his frustration. I said “it’s not like I stop having sex with you for months at a time”. He said something to the effect of “that’s what’s gonna happen soon anyways.” Not sure why he’d say that because that has never been the case ever. The only reason I can think he’d believe that is because that is what his ex wife did to him towards the end of his marriage.

After cooling off we had a long talk and I told him things need to change immediately. He needs to be patient when I recover, not get pouty and try to guilt me into sex, and never to compare the trauma he suffered in his last relationship to me and project it onto our relationship. Especially during a fight and while I’m recovering as it adds unnecessary pressure and feels like he blames me for things that have nothing to do with our relationship. I set clear and strong boundaries and I told him before to never compare me to his ex ever again. He apologized and felt bad and said he wanted to do better.

And over the next week he seemed to be putting in more effort. I think there was still some resentment possibly left over because some of the things he did were slightly irritating me and I just felt very disrespected and misunderstood overall. Then when driving with him(which I had anxiety about due to PTSD from the accident), he ran a stop sign. I had a panic attack and told him he needs to pay more attention. He got upset and we went back to having tension again.

I said that maybe we should get couples counseling because our communication is not healthy and he agreed, but he was a bit hesitant. I said I would look for a therapist in the morning.

This morning we were cuddling and I had a nightmare about us, so maybe I was feeling a bit distant and sad this morning about it. Maybe he sensed that because he said how anxious he was feeling and how his stomach was hurting this morning. Then he said he used to have to wake up like this everyday in the past. I asked him if he meant during his marriage? Because he never shared I made him feel like that before. He didn’t give a straight answer, so I asked him again directly, and he sorted of admitted that’s what he meant. I told him that he was breaking my boundary by bringing up how he felt from his past relationship and comparing it to us, which I laid out clearly NOT EVEN A WEEK AGO. Then he tried to gaslight me and say I was the one that said it was about his marriage and brought it up, but he then admitted that that’s exactly what he was referring to.

If he’s so certain I’m gonna end up like his ex (who cheated and lied and was manipulative according to him) then why are we even trying? I do not at all treat him like his ex allegedly treated him, yet during arguments he takes out his past grievance on our relationship. I’ve lost so much trust in him in the last few weeks and I’m already in so much pain from my concussion and other accident injuries as well as PTSD symptoms from the crash, that I just don’t have the mental or emotional energy to handle this right now.

Luckily I am talking to a therapist finally later and I'm in group therapy to address my driving anxiety and PTSD.. I have so many medical bills and job stress on top of everything else I feel like he takes me for granted, blames me for things his ex did, and doesn’t respect me sexually or in terms of boundaries.

I was planning to search for couples counselors and work on this with him, but I'm just tired. It's going to be a lot of effort to fix this and he needs to do a ton of his own work in therapy to resolve resentment from his past. He has had a therapist since the divorce, but obviously he has not worked through this enough. We just moved in together and I just don’t have the physical or mental energy to move out and go through a breakup. I’m just so upset and overwhelmed with everything and just don’t know what to do at this point. Is it worth going to couples counseling?

Tldr;; Bf not supportive by guilting me about not having enough sex after I was in a bad car accident and repeatedly crosses my boundaries by comparing our relationship and how I make him feel to his past marriage.

UPDATE So I’ve given him his some thought and after a lot of communication attempts with him, I just don’t see things changing and I believe he may have been showing me the real him. I need to start planning my exit. Any advice? Due to medical bills I’m broke and I just started a new job so I have no time or energy for anything. How can I move out when I do t have energy to box all my shit up after finally unboxing all of it. The. I guess I need to find a roommate. I just am still in so much pain and pressure from the crash that it is hard to make moves right now. Please any advice or kind word about the breakup and the move out? Thank you Reddit 🧡

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: He is clearly and repeatedly showed you that he does not care as much about your healing or whether you're hurting or need to rest or you're in pain as much as he cares about his self. Any man pressuring you to have sex with him and acting like a pouty baby when you cannot do so because you've had a catastrophic car accident or in pain is not a decent human being. Years ago I was married and with a few months got pregnant and had our first bad fight when he wanted to have sex while I was in the middle of a threatened miscarriage. I never felt the same about him after that. He's showing you exactly who he is and counseling isn't going to change that.

OOP: Yeah I’m afraid you’re right. I really don’t know if this is his character cause he keeps saying “it was just a bad day when I said that” but he’s been acting like this for weeks. And just sounds like he’s not taking responsibility. Now only is he trying to be sweet and caring and giving me space. But idk not the same.. Can you tell me more about how your marriage ended? Did he pressure you in other ways? How long did you stay together after that?

OOP on needing to end the relationship if her BF is not meeting her expectations of him

OOP: I gave all this some thought and I know now what I must do… I need to end things. Because yeah I don’t think I could see him respecting me if I had a long term illness like cancer and there just no communication or trust anymore. But yes what can I do to make these next few weeks/months manageable? Besides lower expectations? How can I be planning my exit?

OOP responds on getting couple counseling or a therapist to deal with the communication issues

OOP: Luckily we aren’t locked into a lease but it’s “his” house (as he’s reminded me so many times, I just live there)...

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