Off My Chest
Posting from a throwaway. [TW contains a little bit of internalised ableism and touches on Suicide and Firearms] I’m heavily disabled. Like can’t move or get out of bed type disabled. And sometimes lose the ability to communicate. Anyways most of the time I’m happy to be alive. But the fact I couldn’t kill myself if I wanted to really makes me feel trapped. I take medicines given in a daily pill box, I’m IV fed water and food, and I can’t get out of my bed. There is literally no way for me to end it. All I’m doing is laying here draining my family’s resources. I love learning, and most of the time that’s enough. But when the pain get’s really bad, or my disease starts to progress or worsen. I just want it to end. And not even having that option, or being able to communicate it, is terrifying. Like I could be stuck in an endless cycle of pain and suffering and not be able to let go even if I wanted it. At the same time, in better periods I’m glad I’m alive. And if I did have a gun on my bedside table, I can remember more than a dozen moments I’d already have ended it. It’s like I only need to feel suicidal 1% of the time for my life to end if I have access to a weapon, so the other 99% feels glad that I don’t. I don’t know what I want from this post. But I guess this is my message in a bottle. I needed to get this out there and throw it away. If you’re here, thanks for reading. I hope your day went well. Peace.
I really love to listen to a wide variety of music. Beethoven, Biz Markie, Salieri, Nina Simone, etc. but I just... never really watched Music Videos until recently. I am astounded that I simply missed out on decades of visual feast. Nine Inch Nails - Closer. George Michael, Freedom '90, an entire decade of MIssy Ellliot nonsense, and of course Aha. What, in your opinion, is the best music video that you are sure I will like? I'm old, as evidenced by my grammar and lack of spelling.
I'm aware that I'm worthless but still can't turn off that libido or sexual desire and is killing me. Another thing to add to the list of failures as an male adult. No job, own place, car, friends, virgin. Why am I even alive?
I went to high school with this guy. We were never really close friends though he was perpetually in the one group of people I kept in touch with after high school. A few years ago we had a falling out and I never really looked back. I never really liked the guy, sometimes I fuckin hated him. Though the group kinda fell apart after that and I lost contact with someone I actually did care about. Otherwise, getting him out of my life really wasn't a negative. Regardless, he responded to a Facebook post and curiosity got the better of me. In the past, he'd expressed regret in voting for Trump, he wasn't a Democrat and voted third party in 2020. I assumed he'd check out of this election and I'd see what he was up to. Strangers, this man has completely lost his fucking mind. His Facebook is flooded with reposted tiktoks admonishing the current administration and screeching about the moral imperative of getting trump back in to office. One after another after another, 5 to 7 of these things *a day.* Continuing debates he's had with somebody by tagging them, and notably getting no response. More than once he's brought up a trump policy, blamed it on Kamala Harris, and howled about how evil the Democrats are. In the past any attempt at rational discussion would devolve to fanatic ravings, and now it seems that all he's doing. Constantly screaming in to the void about some perceived Boogeyman. I haven't lost anything, as I said getting out of each other's lives was a good thing for me. This guy used a hard R during the protests and would go to safe spaces online to torment the people there for fun. He's literally the type of person Facebook has screening questions for. But Jesus, he's like a fucking caricature. There's no engaging with that type of person, no bringing them back. He's just *lost.*
Hello, for some context, my grandpa is in bad health, and is currently at the care of a few aunts. A few weeks ago they had almost let him die, and out of frustration I did a tiktok talking about the situation without sharing names. A few days later, my sister calls me and tells me to please delete it and does wild accusations against our mom. I deleted the video then. However, then turns out my aunts tried to sue me and my mom for the tiktok video. This is a letter I wrote to my sister, that was the last chance I gave her before going no contact. Turns out she still insists on believing my aunts lies and we went no contact, and I requested to be completely cut from the family tree. I'm glad I've gone no contact because I don't care about a "family" that never cared about me in the first place, I've always been an outsider. I redacted the personal information and had cut some other parts, but yeah, this is the letter, where it also explains what happened. Warning for too much text. BTW I can write well in english, but I used a translator for the letter because is too long and I didn't feel like manually translating, sorry if something got translated literaly or sounds weird. Hello [SISTER]. This is going to be important. Yes, this is about MOTHER, [BAD WITCH], [GOOD FOR NOTHING] and me, to tell the truth of what happened with the complaint they put on me and the whole situation. I really wanted to do this in a call, but I don't feel like I have the energy for it, there is a lot to tell, and I don't want anything to slip out or be misinterpreted, I also don't want to risk it being interrupted because the power goes out, the signal or something, so text alert a lot. First of all, I want to say that I have a huge disappointment with you. When you told me about MOTHER being schizophrenic over the phone, I didn't say anything, because I knew something didn't add up, so I looked up the symptoms, I researched, I even asked my psychologist. You know very well that MOTHER does NOT have schizophrenia, it is very difficult for an untreated schizophrenic to hide the most important symptoms, like hallucinations. If she were schizophrenic, I would have known it for years, especially in the conditions as you described, where you say she has psychotic episodes where she threatens to kill children with knives and such. However, all doubts were cleared up for me when I learned that the source was [EVIL WITCH], you know, who casually tells of hearing voices, who interacts with the voices, even when there are people visiting where she lives, and that aside, coincidentally, the only children my mother has supposedly threatened with knives are hers, but coincidentally none of them have ever mentioned it and there are never any witnesses to corroborate her version of events. Having conspiratorial allusions and paranoia where other people constantly want to hurt you is precisely one of the symptoms of schizophrenia. I mean, as such I expected [BAD WITCH] to go around telling crazy stories because I remember that once [BAD WITCH] many years ago told me that MADRE wanted to kill [Cousin] because she was in love with [Mister F] (the ex-husband of [BAD WITCH]) even though [Cousin] is not [Mister F]'s son. But I expected more from you than to believe all the lies of a crazy woman like [BAD WITCH], and on top of that, to go around serving as a megaphone for her even though you know very well that it is a lie, I expected you to be smarter than this, I expected more from a qualified nurse in her 40s. On top of that you know I have an unmedicated schizophrenic uncle on my father's side, so I know what someone with that condition looks like. It's amazing that you thought I was going to believe the lie immediately, like you think I'm an idiot. I'm disappointed because [BAD WITCH] lies more than she talks, and now I'm going to tell you all the lies she told at the meeting with the prefect where she, [GOOD FOR NOTHING], MOTHER and I were. The meeting started with them doubting the authority and actively insulting the prefect, because she had not wanted to pass the complaint to the prosecutor's office. They tried to report it again at the [Capital] prefecture, but they were only sent back to [Sector]. The prefect started reading the complaint, it turns out that there is a part where [BAD WITCH] and [GOOD FOR NOTHING] insinuated that I should receive psychological help and that I would have some kind of disability, they did not say it directly but they insinuated it, I said “I do not have any disability and I am 26 years old” to which they said “We did not say that” to which the prefect replied “This is what they wrote” pointing to the part where they insinuated it. This would be the first of many times where they would say one thing and then try to retract or directly contradict themselves. Then they were given the right to speak so they could say what they wanted to do, which was essentially to present themselves as the victims, [EVIL WITCH] specifically making up years of alleged harassment by MOTHER. Since the point was the alleged defamation because of my tiktok video, they would then ask questions along the lines of “Where do you get that I am a santera?” and “Where do you get that I gave my mom (my grandmother) something to kill her?”. I listened to them patiently to which [BAD WITCH] and [GOOD FOR NOTHING] started to say “Why don't you say anything? Could it be because you have something to hide?” to which the prefect replied “You are waiting for your right to speak” I mean, they thought I was going to be afraid of a couple of crazy women. When it was finally my time to speak, I told everything I had to tell, the story of how the famous video was born, specifying that it was only one video on my Tiktok account where I never talk about family issues. That I considered everything I said to be true, and that with my grandfather's neglectful situation, I had recited what MOTHER had told me and then MOTHER told her version of events. Then to answer the questions of these 2 crazy women, I told the prefect that I know perfectly well that [BAD WITCH] is a santera, not only because she has a long history of doing rituals and forcing people in the family to participate in them, as she did in her previous apartment, but also that during my grandmother's funeral, the body was still warm when precisely, [BAD WITCH], suggested doing a ritual, putting grandma on the floor, lowering her from her clinical bed, surrounding her with candles, and praying something weird. I objected to that ritual, but they did it anyway. When the father arrived for the wake that was done right there in grandma's room, it turned out that the father was an exorcist, and without us talking to him, he said “there are witches here” while looking at [BAD WITCH] and [GOOD FOR NOTHING]. I also could not fail to tell him the undeniable fact that there is a mound of earth where they buried the animals they sacrificed in the santero rituals they performed in the house, they dug so deep that part of the construction they have at street level began to sink. Coincidentally they were silent while I was telling this story. Of course I suspect they had something to do with my grandmother's stroke, at the very least they made her angry. They had the audacity to tell the prefect that MOTHER never took care of grandma, even, that when she died she hadn't seen grandma for a year and only arrived when she had already died, when you know very well, that my mother was taking care of my grandmother, as often as she was there 4 days a week, that she fixed the house, painted, planted, cut trees, put the house in order, and that not only my mother and I went to be with my grandmother as soon as they had the decency to notify her that she was having a stroke, but on top of that, my grandmother died in my mother's arms. I was the one who told this to the prefect to disprove them. Also [GOOD FOR NOTHING] wanted to ask me questions, about “Where do you get that I never did anything at mom's house?” And I told the prefect, that for as long as I can remember, grandma, even though she was disabled, washed, cooked, tidied, tidied, cooked, etc. Even when she complained about everything hurting her, she did everything, while [GOOD FOR NOTHING] was always doing nothing, sitting, watching TV, sleeping, etc. Grandma herself complained that [GOOD FOR NOTHING] was doing nothing. Nobody told me about it, I saw it. While I was talking, [GOOD FOR NOTHING] said if she could lower “my tone of voice” because “she had a headache” and I told her that's not my problem, I'm talking. Then the 2 locals tried to LEAVE the prefect's office, the prefect stopped them and said “WHERE ARE YOU GOING?” she stopped them and said “Sit down, we are here because you filed this complaint, because you wanted this” and they had to sit down like scolded girls. I submitted a visiting regime to the prefect, specifying the days of the month where we would go to visit my grandfather. What we asked was that [GOOD FOR NOTHING] and [BAD WITCH] not be there while we were visiting, and that we have accompaniment either by police or prefect staff to go and see him, because otherwise the 2 crazy women could make up anything, say that my mother threw my grandfather down the stairs or something like that, and then the family will believe the 2 crazy women without questioning them and proceed to lynch her internationally, citing again when they said that the grandfather's fracture did not originate in my mother's house, but while he was in their care. The prefect wanted to negotiate because she felt it was going too far, until [GOOD FOR NOTHING] started saying that MOTHER had stolen things from the house. According to [GOOD FOR NOTHING], my mother had stolen grandma's clothes, a blender, a microwave, etc. Then MOTHER explained that after grandma died ,YOU [SISTER]! sent for the things to give to her. Then [GOOD FOR NOTHING] said that YOU! [SISTER]! could support her to confirm that MOTHER did steal things from the house. After we told how the story really went, the prefect was fed up with the story and said “If she wants to ‘steal’ things from the house, then let her do it, she is her mom too” there [GOOD FOR NOTHING] started to say that MOTHER also stole personal things from HER, that MOTHER many times tried to enter [GOOD FOR NOTHING]'s room and went through her things. MOTHER asked her what need she had to go through his things and what things she claimed she stole, [GOOD FOR NOTHING] could not mention anything specific and was trying to explain herself, because the lie was not getting through. Later, it occurred to [GOOD FOR NOTHING] to say that “When I say, she stole, I mean that she [MOTHER] is a hoarder” There you can tell that the prefect was running out of patience, because she replied “No, you specifically used the word STEAL, I am a lawyer, and if you tell me that she stole, I will assume that she stole, and on top of that you explained what MOTHER supposedly stole” She almost “throws the book at them” as the gringos say. Then the conciliation was reached and we agreed that MOTHER and I would notify the prefecture before visiting the grandfather so that there would be an accompaniment, but that those 2 crazy women could not deny us a visit. Also among the agreements was that no one would speak ill of relatives in public places until the 3rd degree of familiarity. The prefect wanted to take the route of “you are family” to which I said “Have you heard the phrase ‘Blood is thicker than water’? The phrase is incomplete, it's actually The blood of the horde is thicker than the water of the womb, and that's the philosophy I go by because my family has never treated me like family.” The “family” I have is one that thinks that and I don't breathe if my mother doesn't tell me to, the fact that I'm the one who made the video but they also dragged my mother into the complaint is proof of that. They think I have severe cognitive abilities, they still talk to me like a child and they will never stop. Here I include you, the fact that they thought I would be such an idiot to believe at the first time that my mother is schizophrenic is proof of that, but you also talk to me as if I were 10 years old, as if I didn't have a job in an important company, as if I didn't pay taxes, as if I wasn't in the process of registering my company, as if I didn't have a lot of people who hold me in good esteem. [BAD WITCH] Is lying so much, that I'm sure, in complete lack of doubt or hesitation, to absolute certainty, that she's faking her Parkinson's or whatever the shaking is, because she could go a long time without shaking, and she would start shaking her hands when the prefect would address her exactly. She's not even faking it right, it's not even a cold shiver because it was really hot that day and we were getting cooked, a super re contra fake shiver. She's faking it so much, that she, when we had all signed the final agreement and she went to sign it, SHE SIGNED WITH HER RIGHT HAND! You know she is LEFT HANDED! I called her out when I saw her, and I said “Hey, aren't you left-handed? Why do you write with your right hand?” and do you know what they answered me? “What do you care?” that's what they answered me, and on top of that they answered me angrily. As my mother and I have nothing to hide, I offered to send a psychological report to my mother, to refute the defamation that [BAD WITCH] makes about her being schizophrenic, and I still maintain it, I send that report, to demonstrate to those who believe [BAD WITCH], you the first one, that it is completely false. This is not all that happened, but this is already getting longer and this was the most remarkable and important thing that happened in the prefecture. Now to get back on topic with you, as I said, I expected you to be smarter than blindly believing [BAD WITCH], but my anger with you is something that is building up, not only because you still treat me as if I were a child as I said, but because you have effectively been turning into the Venezuelan equivalent of a “whitexican” and specifically because you have this attitude of pretending you are better than us to the point of not believing when we say we are doing well. Yes, Venezuela in general is fucked up, but it has been getting better and we particularly are doing well. It's as if you take it as a personal offense when the answer to How are you? is something other than utter and complete misery. You'd rather believe some bodegas with instagram who are clearly ripping you off than us, even the dentist you paid my mom has ripped you off, because they put in teeth for my mom that didn't cost the hundreds and hundreds of dollars you paid them for at all, and they ended up falling out recently. But no, they are the businesses that the other venecos-miameros recommend and therefore they can't go wrong with anything. I can't trust you if you have such poor judgment, and of refusing to see other people's realities if they are further than your nose, but you do believe [BAD WITCH] so much at the first time. If you care so much about [BAD WITCH], then let's see if she adopts you. Maybe at this point you think I have my mother supervising what I'm writing, instead of writing it with my own hands, under my own free will, in my boyfriend's house, without MOTHER knowing anything at all. Overall, it's completely up to you if we have a relationship in the future, but I don't shake my pulse when it comes to cutting off relationships no matter who it is, and I don't lose anything, because this “family” has never been family with me, I can't pretend to care about people who have never cared about me at all, and after my grandfather is dead and buried, they cut me completely from the family tree, never even think about me again, and pretend I don't exist, moreover, they may say I'm dead. That is all. Now it is up to you, and if you wish, that this be a final goodbye and that we never speak again. I wish you a good life with success and that your current and potentially future children, and possible future grandchildren have a wonderful life. Good night to you.
I'm kind of sick of being into tech. Everything is riddled with ads and speculative investment. You have to manage your expectations so much because everything has a good likelihood of turning into garbage at a moments notice. It's just not fun anymore. I know I'm probably a bit nostalgia blinded, but I miss the mid-late 2000s and early 2010s so much. Games were new and interesting, tech was moving at a lightning fast pace, things were fun. I know it's more complicated than that, and there are reasons things are how they are, but fuck man. Anyway, off my chest.
I got a COVID infection a while ago that permanently disabled me pretty bad. Bedridden, unable to move much, etc. The thing that really helped me was relaxing and listening to music. That’s what I spent my days doing as I couldn’t do much else. I became a real music nerd and just loved the bliss of hearing music. A little later (two years). I got another COVID infection — I was taking very strong precautions, and couldn’t see anyone. It turns out I got it from my doctor. Anyways, this infection caused some brain damage which has caused me to mostly loose the ability to hear. And now I’m still mostly motionless alone in bed, but I haven’t even got the comfort of sound or music. Just a mostly silent (tinnitus filled) world. I’m so scared of getting covid again. But mostly I miss the world and my old life. Being stuck alone in bed with only the internet for company sucks. People tend to be arseholes online. I can’t help but feel I got “natural selectioned”. Me and my wife were planning on having kids soon. Now I barely see her and I’m going to slowly die in a nursing home. There are specific genetic vulnerabilities to illnesses, and natural selection works with them (see what Europeans coming to America did). And I got fucked here. COVID was my end.
So, I have always wanted the best of both worlds with watches. An analogue timepiece that looks nice. But also the ability to see texts on my wrist. So, Fossil had a solution a while ago. The Fossil Hybrid. It was beautiful, had physical hands and an e-ink display under it which subtly showed messages. You literally cannot tell it was a smartwatch until you started using it. It had basic health features and boasted a two week long battery life. I have been eyeing these up for years. Maybe around four. I didn't get one as they were £300. I loved them but not that much. I finally got one back in July. It was pre owned at £90 with a minor scratch and a slightly squidgy button (but still worked) and I fell in love. It also came with a 2 year warranty, so I knew it wasn't very risky. I designed the perfect watch face and everything. It was a great conversation starter. Nobody ever saw a thing like it. My girlfriend even jokingly said "check out my boyfriend's cool watch!" Anyway, out of the blue last week, I plugged it in for the weekly charge and it wouldn't charge. I took it off and the other charging ring thingy just *came off*. The glue had losened. As much as I tried pushing it back in, it wouldn't charge. I kept it until Friday watching the battery drain. On Friday I went back to the shop and handed it in. I was hoping they could fix it for me and get it back maybe. But no. I could have tried gluing it in myself, but would have certainly voided the warranty. I talk about it but people don't seem to understand that even though I got a refund (well, it's still processing) I am still heartbroken. My dream watch turned out to be a poorly built experimental thing by Fossil and it was a common manufacturing defect, so I don't want to risk getting another one. Unfortunately the software was lacking as well (could have done with a calendar, couldn't turn off a notification indicator as well, etc). So there's a product I fell in love with, but the company that made it doesn't care. And nobody has ever made something similar since. There's a void on my wrist and I don't know what to replace it with. I am tempted to try and build my own. I actually saw a display on AliExpress that is circular eink and has a hole in the centre. But I probably lack the complete skill, even though open source LED smartwatches exist and with some wizardry I could maybe convert that into a new hybrid one, it's probably just one of my pipe dreams. I never even managed to get a seven segment display working properly with a raspberry pi pico.
I just need to get this off my chest because it’s been weighing on me. My daily routine feels like a never-ending loop of the same things, over and over again. Every day blends into the next with nothing exciting to break the cycle. I’ve tried to change things up, but even when I do, 90% of the time it still feels dull and uninspiring. And it’s not like I haven’t tried. Over the last months and the past year, I’ve done a lot to shake things up: I got into rock climbing, went diving (though I have to travel further for that), tried arts, took different classes, learned a new language (Spanish), explored different coffee shops and bars. I’m doing so much, and yet, no matter what I try, everything just feels bland. The excitement fades fast, and I’m left feeling like I’m back at square one. Honestly, I don’t need a doctor to tell me I’m depressed — I’m pretty sure I am, in some way. Even though it might not seem like it from what I’ve written, I genuinely love life. I just think it’s fair to say that I found more joy in life 10 years ago than I do now. On top of that, the state of the world is messing with my head. The climate disaster is f*cking me up, too. It’s like this dark cloud that’s always looming in the back of my mind, with burning forests here, floods there, hurricanes here, and just constant environmental devastation. It’s a relentless reminder that things aren’t getting better. Technology isn’t helping either. I used to enjoy AI and new tech, but it’s gotten so overwhelming. Five years ago, I’d laugh at my mom for falling for fake calls or texts. Now I have to look for weird flaws in fingers, mouths, and eyes just to figure out if something is real or AI-generated. And look at Flux — it’s just insane. The rapid advancement in AI tools like that makes it even harder to discern what’s real. It’s not just the fake calls and texts anymore; now we’re dealing with sophisticated AI that can generate incredibly realistic but entirely fabricated content. It feels like the line between reality and simulation is blurring more every day, and it’s exhausting to keep up with. There are times when I honestly wish I wasn’t even born a human. Like, I’d rather be a bird or something else, just to escape this endless loop of dullness. And right now, I kind of wish I didn’t live here either. I know, when I go on vacation everything feels fine, and those moments are great. But I also know that the countries I visit aren’t some utopia either — they struggle too. It’s just easier to ignore when you’re only there for a little while. And then there’s the feeling that everyone around me is so focused on themselves. It’s like people are caught up in their own lives, and I get it — life is hard for everyone. But it just adds to the isolation. No real connection, just people in their own bubbles. Maybe I’ve just lost touch with what makes life exciting, or maybe I need something I haven’t figured out yet. But honestly, right now, life feels bland, and I’m not sure how to break out of it. Anyone else ever feel like this? Or am I just going through the motions on my own?
I get it; we're all tired. Exhausted, even. Getting up, dealing with humans, making your way through traffic, navigating social complexities, etc., all suck. Being disconnected, unwilling or unmotivated to engage, or just out of it adds to the morass of shit. I am tired of people who don't bother to try. To me, these people just make things more unbearable.
I'm not sure what's going on with me, but just a few minutes ago I woke up screaming for my life. I don't even know what happened and I barely remember what it was. My right arm was competely numb and I felt like I had crossed a point of no return in my chest. I don't think it was a heart attack, I'm quite alright now, but I felt like I was going to die. I've suspect I have sleep apnea that keeps getting worse and worse. I wake up suddenly if I fall asleep while sitting down and every time it gets harder and harder to wake up. Until today that I woke up in a huge panic after lying down on my bed. My head feels foggy and I feel uncertain. I don't know what to do. I can't go see a specialist or a doctor for that matter. But, fuck, I thought I was a gonnet for a second.
So, I've never posted on one of these type forums before. But I just needed to tell someone, because I don't feel like I have any IRL I can tell. I haven't dated much. In my 30s, gay, and I've had a couple boyfriends, lots of sex/random hookups, but never really delved deep into dating. I've always used my lifestyle as an excuse, I don't have a lot of free time for potentially identifying reasons (don't want this linked to my main account). But the reality is a lot simpler. I'm ugly. I don't have a great face, and even if I did, I'm fat, I've been balding since 17, and my teeth are jacked up. Despite brushing my teeth 3 times a day, I have bad cavities, and a few years ago I had to have a front tooth extracted. But a couple weeks ago I met a boy. It was great. A hook up turned into a date, turned into days of texting, him asking to be exclusive, turned into a second date, and some of the best, most passionate sex I've ever had. Then the next day he got distant, and the day after that told me he needed space, didn't want to talk anymore. He said that this "every day thing" was too much, and he couldn't deal with the "cutesy shit." He was the one that initiated all of that. I don't have a lot of self confidence, and it's hard for me to be cutesy or affectionate, or put myself out there. Most of the time I just want to melt into the scenery, be as unnoticed as possible... Not easy when you're well over 6 foot, nearly 300 pounds and a tenor. I think this was it for me, y'all. I can't take this again. I feel so humiliated and embarrassed. I told my friends about him, and now I don't even want to ever speak to them again, because I am so incredibly embarrassed. They're going to ask about him, and I'm going to tell them that it didn't work. And they won't say it, but they'll know why. Because who the fuck could handle this? I just want to curl up into a ball and stop existing. I'm not actually suicidal, and I don't need help on that. But I think I'm done with ever trying to have a relationship. I can't do it. I can't handle being cutesy with a guy again. The idea of letting anyone else see that side of me fills me with dread at this point. It's like he found every insecurity I had and hit each and every one of them without ever mentioning them directly. And the worst part is, I can't even really be angry at him. He's younger than me, he deserves better than I could have offered. He has every right to not want to talk to me, I'm not some incel that thinks I'm owed love or sex. But dammit, it fucking hurt and I don't know how to move past this. I've had a few boyfriends before, but I've never cried over one. I've never felt so connected to a person so quickly. It wasn't like we were even really together, but I had very high hopes. Really, for the first time. I didn't know I could feel like that, especially so quickly. I don't even know what I'm hoping to get out of posting this. I just needed to write it out, I guess
Hi. This might be a long one. The next year of June I will be graduating highschool. This is typically viewed as a relatively big event where I am (Scandinavia), where students rush out of the school building, meet up with their families to say congrats, then scurry along to ride around the city and party with their peers. The issue for me is the family part. My family consists of two main sides: my mother, brother, his girlfriend (1), and then my father, sister, and her husband (2). They have no contact with each other whatsoever and a lot of family feud has occurred to cause that consequence. They don't actively hate each other, but dislike and pettiness is consistent. I feel forced to choose between two sides. This has caused me a relative amount of stress lately. My sister and I talked about this, and she said she would understand if I didn't choose side 2, but she is a family-oriented person so I feel I would still disappoint her. My dad doesn't care about social events and festivities like this (nor do I, so I'm not upset with him or anything like that). My mom, however, thinks this is one of the most important milestones in life. She even told me she would show up along with my brother (with whom I have no contact; I blocked him a while back because he's obnoxious and has started to buy into right-wing and Trumpist circles, and I don't really want to be with people like that. He has expressed very strange views at my father's house, but that's another story). Personally, I would rather none of them show up. My mother disagrees with me on this, but I feel it would be much more awkward with 2 families on the opposite ends to choose between, than having nobody there. Like, who do I go to first? And since they can't stand to even see each other, how far away would they stand from each other? 500 metres? That just sounds awkward to me. I am considering only inviting my friend to this celebration, a guy I met in my programming class last year. I would feel infinitely better having only him there than both of my family sides. My mother is a stubborn woman and I'm guessing she expects she will be there along with my brother, and my sister is very sensitive and can hold grudges for a long time, and I feel like I have to choose between a bunch of adults that want to show up to this minor festivity at best. Everyone else my age can enjoy this event, and I'm stuck here trying to plan an acceptable alternative. That's that. I'm glad I got to express my thoughts. Any advice or support or personal experiences are welcome. Cheers y'all!
To be clear, I don't really think my mom is, but this was revealed to me by my sister yesterday. So, I was having an argument with my sister, there is a family situation and my sister said I was repeating out mom's version. During the argument, she said that our mom was diagnosed schizophrenic as a child, and that she was even locked up (?). For context. I'm 25. My sister is in her 40s. Our mom had my sister when she was 17. Our mom is the middle child of a total of 5 sisters. She was born in 1964. She had my sister to a man that I know absolutely nothing about, since she never talked about it. According to my sister, she also never knew who her father was till she was a teenager, when our mom finally agreed to let her meet him once. When our mom was 20 she meet my dad, who was in his 40s. After that, my sister was raised by our grandparents and my mom pretty much forgot about her. I was born in 1998. All my life I was told that they were married but insisted on not having children until my dad's son died in 1996. But turns out that in reality, they got married a few months after I was born. I know this only because I saw they marriage certificate during the divorce lawsuit. My sister and I never lived together, since when I was learning to walk, she was starting university in the capital of our country, years later we used to visit her once or twice a year until my sister moved to the US with my nephew and niece. When I was 8 to 10, my parents had a terrible separation. My dad cheated on my mom and she went crazy and my dad went extremely abusive and violent. I witnessed some of that with my own eyes. Then, they hated each other so much that couldn't even agree on divorce terms. It took them 15 YEARS to officially divorce (that's when I saw the marriage certificate, because the lawsuit was delivered to be, because they couldn't contact my mom). Now, to get on topic. My mom is very obviously a narcisistic, since she has the entire criteria. She also made my life hell multiple times. One of the things she does is having her own version of what is happening, and run with that version, no matter how different it is from reality. Like the many times I rebeled in my early 20s, was because I was doing drugs, got into a cult, got brainwashed, and was having gay sex, according to her. No, I was just having my university partying phase. The only thing she was right about it was me having gay sex, but not the way she was thinking and not with the people she was thinking, I was still closeted. And her concern wasn't me having gay sex, was more like "hanging out with those f***ts who are maybe fucking your ass". She always makes wild assumptions about people, mostly when she don't like them. During university I was severely depressed and thinking about dropping out, but I found an online university that had my career and I could continue there. I told my mom about it and she went BALLISTIC, assaulting me physically even, and I hit her back, then she restrained me, because she didn't want me to study in an university for "bums and lowlives" according to her. This fight was so bad that I was thinking about killing myself that week, but I didn't. However, years after I dropped out, she asked "Why didn't you find a way to study online" then I remind her of this incident, but she says "that never happened, what are you talking about?". She also wanted me to graduate from law school to "become her lawyer in her divorce" agaisn't my dad. She also used to trashtalk my dad A LOT when I was a kid, almost daily. I was constantly told that if I didn't succeed, I would be a bum like my dad (my dad is a successful lawyer). She has a hard time maintaining friendships, because everybody is "stupid, inefficient, irresponsible" according to her so she gets tired of everyone. I am also irresponsible and inefficient according to her. I'm also super smart or slow according to who she is talking to, if is literally everyone else, I'm super smart and a gifted kid, if she is mad at me, I'm stupid and slow. I got an autistic diagnostic as an adult, when I asked people on my family, they told me that they knew and told my mom to try get me in a special environment, but she refused to do that and told everyone to not dare talk about my autism. When I told her about my diagnostic, she said "but you knew your whole life you were asperger" and I was like "NO I DIDN'T, KNOWING SOONER WOULD HAVE HELPED A LOT" She still insists that I knew my whole life. I suffered many other forms of abuse and I'm still receiving them because I still live with her. But this has been too long already. I don't think she might be schizophrenic. The ironic thing is that when I had what I now know are "autistic meltdown" she said I was having a schizophrenic psychosis and I should see a therapist (funny because she is very much anti therapy). I have a paternal uncle who IS schizophrenic and has dealt with it his entire life. He is a very hard case. But yeah, the important thing here is that I don't think she ever had hallucinations, not that I know off, like seeing things, or hearing voices that aren't the usual "were you calling me name?" when I wasn't. Maybe you can give me a but more of perspective. IDK if what my sister said is true, but I hope I can get some perspective. if it is, she might have been diagnosed in the 70s or 80s and mental health wasn't good at all at the time (my country was still doing electroshock until a few years ago). Sorry for the long text. TLDR: My sister said my mom is a diagnosed schizophrenic, but I don't think my mom has the signs of being one, tho I'm telling some of my history of abuse from her to know if there is something to analyze from there.
CW: Depressive thoughts of an asshole Do you think that you are a good person? I don't. I've tried to be one for a long time, act like one to those close to me. But I just don't think it will ever happen. Some context: I'm a young person living in the Western world. My family are upper-middle class, and loving and supportive of me. I was raised with a strong moral compass, particularly about social issues. As I've grown, I've become more and more aware of the way that I live. My socio-economic circumstances mean that I'm probably in the top 10% of the world's population, where the biggest polluters are. To explain my problem with this, I'll put it in simple words: the climate crisis kills people. And so, by contributing to it, I am a murderer. You can argue this point all you like. That its a bigger issue than me, that my own emissions are only a fraction of those of the top 1%. But just because someone else has hurt people more doesn't mean that I haven't hurt people. One of the scariest parts of this is that it means, wherever I go, the people around me are most likely murders by my own definition. My peers, mentors, neighbors. But they don't know. They don't think about the fact that they have contributed to people's deaths. Ignorance is bliss. All I want to do is help people. That's what I want to do with my life: reduce pain and suffering. I'm thinking of going into medicine. But I wake up every morning and go to bed every night with the knowledge that I am doing the opposite. I try to do a little bit: eat less meat, don't fly, buy less clothes. While I drive places and eat food shipped from far away, watch other's do things without objection. And the little I also isn't quite genuine, sometimes more motivated by the fear of the guilt I'll feel if I do not do it. I'm going to be real: I'm so scared. I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this. There's a line from some song "You've got to live with the pain or start feeling nothing at all". What happens on the day that I start feeling nothing? I've had them before. I think the scariest thought of them all is that I become a mindless consumer, working 9-to-5 in an office job. And when the headlines show the deaths from the latest storm or heatwave, I can point and say: "I helped with that". Yours faithfully, A fellow stranger P. S. Thanks so much for reading my deranged rant of self pity, and I hope you have a wonderful day P. P. S. If you have any interesting thoughts, it would be much appreciated it you would share them
I know there's no shortage on political posts on Lemmy, especially in other communities, but I don't really know where else I could post this. I've always had the philosophy that anyone (referring to the working class here) could spend their money on whatever they want without feeling any shame. Especially when it concerns donations. Donate to the cause that speaks to you more, etc. etc. But I honestly haven't considered political donations into my already bare-bones philosophy. And I think that quite shook me when I saw the MastodonForHarris movement. I understand that people want to support their favorite candidate and make sure they win so that they feel safer. But doesn't giving 500k to someone who's already rich, receives millions and, let's be honest, still works for the interests of the rich feel a little off to anyone? What hit me the most was seeing a post from someone in Gaza that needed 60k. That made me realize that 60k for someone could be life changing, while 500k for Harris could just mean nothing to her. (here's the GoFund me for those who are interested: https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-donate-family-gaza-palestine-gofundme) I'm still very new to leftism, so I may be wrong. But nothing feels leftist about any of this. I know not everyone is a leftist on the Fediverse, but I felt like most of us here had anti-corporate and anti-billionaire views. And even if she is a leftist from a US politics point of view, I still can't help but feel like those donations are misplaced due to her donation pool and policies. I do not mind if you disagree, but please at least explain why.
Do a chore? Take a rest. Do a hobby? Fake a rest. Exercise? Long rest. Break up an argument between my kids? Rest. Everything is rest. I feel like half my life is waiting for my mental energy to come back. Not physical. I can do the task, but convincing the rest of my body to do the thing takes rest. I just wanna go, do, finish, whatever.
I'm supposed to be on vacation but I've spent it caring for other people and never myself. I know I feel like an asshole just saying that. But it's wearing me down. I'm a single dad and I can't seem to make enough money to survive, but it seems like everyone depends on me. My mother has cancer and I have to be there for her. My best friend caught his wife cheating and he moved in with me since he would be homeless otherwise. He has a job but it pays maybe $300 a month but he can't seem to get better work because he's disabled. So I'm basically supporting him and his daughter who is here as well. His ex contributes just enough to cover bus fare for his daughter to get to school. I'm fighting a custody battle after years of abuse and I'm fucking terrified that the judge will eventually give my ex custody because the court in my country never awards custody to the father. Even though she's been documented medically abusing our daughter. She contributes nothing to support our daughter and seldom tries to even see her. And my boss turned me down when another department asked for me to work there for more pay. His reason was that it was too short notice and that he needs me. That extra money would have helped so much with the above issues but he can't be inconvenienced. I'm looking to leave but the job market here is shit and that opportunity was extremely rare.
An incredible band that I love is releasing a new album. And I’m just sitting here thinking I might never get to see a live show again. My health fell apart a few years ago and there’s so much I just can’t participate in now and it’s so alienating and sad. I remember being drunk and dancing in crowds seemingly not that long ago, now I have to spend close to 80% of my time in bed just to have enough energy to do the basics like cook and shower and eat. It sucks. I miss being in rooms full of strangers and screaming and just living life in public at all, being around other humans. I don’t have anyone to help me do things, and every cool thing that happens in the world now is bittersweet because I can’t directly enjoy it. I’m like only able to have small bites of life and I am really really really really really really really sad about it. I might never get to see any band live again at all, and if I ever do through some incredible stroke of luck I still won’t be able to jump around or stand up or drink like I would want to. My enthusiasm is trapped in my body seemingly forever now. It’s just shit. Other things about life are good, great even, but this specific way of being in the world and being around like minded people feels like it’s gone forever.
Girlfriends car breaks down, she has to buy and sell a new one, lots of stress, my car breaks down, I have to buy and sell a new one, lots of stress, landlord puts property up for sale with no notice, lots of stress, new landlord raises our rent by 65% and now we may have to find a new place, lots of stress. This is too much, I don't know how I'm even hanging on at this point Edit: we dumped the landlord after he refused our counter offer, tbh it's gonna hit him hardest because I'm pretty sure he was just trying to get us to pay off his mortgage. A big weight off our shoulders though even though moving in the summer sucks
For those of you who don't know, 'disability tax' is a term that refers to extra payments you have to make because your disability (usually mental health related) hindered your ability to do something. A common example is late fees. And I just got hit with a huge one. I've been thinking about moving out for about half a year now and every time I remembered to notify my landlord, that task got pushed back or replaced with something else. Now I'm on the hook for a whole month of rent because I'm a month late in notifying the landlord. It's about $2k in rent. I'm about to be out of work to go back to school so $2k with no income on top of tuition is a bit scary. I've been considering shelling out that amount on an ADHD diagnosis but I guess I can't do that now. I'm not trying to dodge responsibility here - I should have sent that notification any of the times I remembered. But I didn't. I wish I wasn't like this.
I forgot how weird and pretty shit Reddit is, since I have been using Lemmy most of the time. Got iPhone issue, searched for it and got a Reddit thread on the iPhone subreddit. Great but couldn’t fix it. I made a comment something along the lines of “got the same issue, clueless what to do”. An hour later and got banned for it on the iPhone subreddit lol. They claim, I was “ban evasion”. I double checked my accounts and I have literally never been banned on the iPhone subreddit. So I’d have to say thanks to them to prove the fact that, I have made the right decision of leaving Reddit.
We had an adult male cat coming into our house who looked rather injured, so we started feeding him and mending his wounds when he got into a fight. It became such a regular thing that he soon brought another cat for feeding. It turns out that this new cat was female and pregnant but we treated her the same. Fast forward to a couple of weeks when we notice she's not pregnant anymore but we could tell she was breastfeeding. She decided to bring her little kitten along two days ago and we've been trying to get the baby acquainted with us and our cats and everything looked fine and dandy. We even set out a box with a cozy blanket outside for them. We can't take them in so that's the best we could do. They quickly started using it as a shelter. Well, they came in this morning looking for food as usual. But just a few moments ago in the afternoon, my family member got home and found the little kitten maimed and unresponsive in the box. It had signs of injuries but worse of all his little leg had been amputated by something sharp. We think the neighbor's dog got to him and killed him. It's so heartbreaking. Why would anyone do this to a baby kitten? I can't even imagine how the momma cat feels because I'm sure she saw it. I don't even think she'll stop by anymore. I'm so angry and upset and I'm crying. Life is so fucking unfair.
A number of my (M26) friends are women. I'm travelling and my parents want me to send them pictures, but I can't send them a single picture with a girl next to me without her becoming my girlfriend in their eyes. I do fine for myself too! Actual girlfriends come and go and I tell them when I'm dating someone, and they hardly seem to care. Kills me dude.
Tuesday, a massive storm blew through town, turning the entire area into a disaster and an emergency was declared. This happened to our trees. The light-colored house is the neighbor's house that one of the trees hit.   (To be fair, we were luckier than some, like people whose cars got destroyed or their windows shattered and so on.) The power went out and was out almost the entire day the next day. My wife and daughter were at an amusement park, but I was home to work on house stuff, make sure the dogs weren't too stressed, and get cleanup estimates from tree companies. The temperature was above 90F/32C most of the day. Not only was the internet out, obviously, but I had one bar of cell signal and data only went through about a quarter of the time. I had a power bank that kept my phone charged through the night and I did go to a cafe for a short while, along with the library for about an hour, just to cool off and have some decent internet. The power came on that night, around 10 pm. The next day we agreed to one of the estimates I got. It was $3200. We paid because we had no choice. At least it's the neighbor's responsibility to fix the fence since that part of the fence is theirs (although I had to put up a temporary blockade to stop our dogs from escaping) and their insurance is going to cover the damage where the tree hit their house. No one's insurance around here covers the tree cleanup though. That's an "act of god." Yesterday, we came home after visiting my mom in another town to the power being out again for hours. Flickering on and off sometimes. Thankfully, the house wasn't ridiculously hot. This morning, we woke up to find out that a water main broke and the whole area is under an order to boil water for at least three minutes before using it for any sort of food or drink. On top of all of that, it was my birthday this week and the day started with my wife and daughter getting into a massive fight because my daughter suddenly didn't want to go on a birthday family trip for me (she's a teenager). And the fun part of that is that I'm so exhausted from health issues that I really just wanted to relax on my birthday and I was only doing the trip because my wife really wanted me to enjoy it and I didn't want to disappoint her because she worries about me enough. But at least I was able to put $200 towards my massive bill from the Mayo Clinic. The $200 birthday present I got from my mom. Hooray me.
Not enough to follow them around, but i would see them if they came to town and I'm kind of looking forward to watching the Netflix show when I'm home alone Monday.
First off, I get it if it's a fresh community and you don't have anything yet. But if you're community is over an hour old and has nothing on it... Why would I join it? If you want your community to grow, post content as soon as possible, after it's been created. Otherwise, you're missing out on potential subscriptions and posters. ALSO If you find a community you like and subscribe to, post something! That's the best way for it to grow and for you to see new content from it. Nobody wants to be the only poster in a community.
When I use the internet to learn, I don't want to have to spend 2 minutes watching an advert, then try to decipher an accent I can barely understand whilst a 15 year old speed runs the task whilst seemingly skipping crucial steps in a video. I want the steps written down. Maybe with diagrams. I'm old. Learning is hard enough.
We've been together for 20 years and married for 15. We're a great couple, the kind our friends think of as "couple goals". We rarely fight and when we do it's normally over something trivial. And almost never about money. We tend to be frugal and usually discuss things before making any large purchases. I became disabled about a decade ago and she's been the "bread-winner" of the family. She works hard and I'm proud of her. With the sudden contraction in income we had to file bankruptcy about 7 yrs ago and we've been good about staying out of debt since. I handle the finances of the house, which really just means I file our taxes and check our bank statements. Yesterday, I was trying to reconcile our bank statement and trying to build a budget using our banks new software. This required me to categorize these transactions, which is a pain when a lot of them just say Amazon or PayPal. So I go digging into this only to discover she has two PayPal accounts and one is carrying $2500 in debt! We're not well-off people and that's a lot of money. I was heart-broken. It was like my soul was just sucked out of my body. I felt something between anger and disappointment. I couldn't believe it. She must have noticed my sudden shock and saw what I was looking at because she began to reassure me that she's about to pay $600 towards it. I didn't reply. I went for a long walk to clear my head. We still haven't spoken about it yet. I don't know what to do. I'm not mad anymore but I'm so deflated. We were supposed to be partners in all things. We don't even buy each other gifts without conferring usually it's just a joint anniversary gift. To make matters worse, I can understand how she'd do it. She's got impulse control problems because of her untreated ADHD. She tends to self-medicate with alcohol to unwind and likes "retail-therapy" for self-soothing. She also has rejection sensitivity and is aggressively defensive. So even asking her about this may cause an involuntary lashing-out. But I must. I just don't want to.
Honestly, I think I had a cyst on my left ovary that made me gain some weight while abroad. I had been working out, but my diet wasn’t the best, last year. Since I have been back in the states, I have quit caffeine, sodas, and fast food. I have been trying to eat more vegetables, and have begun drinking soy milk again, like I used to in high school. I have been running one mile per day, and walking one mile per day, as well. I have also been swimming laps, but I was doing that while abroad, too. I really think the change in diet has helped. If anyone is struggling with their weight, hang in there. I wasn’t heavily overweight, but it is a relief to have a healthy BMI now. Even if no one notices, keep going. I still have a relative that is trying to convince people to call me a nickname she created in the ‘90’s, that means “fat”. If you have people like that in your life, too, ignore them. They’re probably just projecting their own issues onto you. It says more about their issues than yours, when they attack others. Stay healthy!
And I'd save scum in real life too, if I could!
I heard a child call me that name at work today, and it isn’t a commonly used name. It’s a cruel joke that my distant cousins created. They created the nickname, in the mid-90’s, to bully women they thought were fat. They typically use the name to call women obese, and imply that they smell (due to obesity related hygiene problems; poor wiping, mold growth between fat folds, infectious smells, etc). I’m not even overweight. I shower every day, after I run a mile and walk a mile for exercise. My “sister” (who is most likely not my biological sister, but was raised with me), has a lot of nerve to call anyone fat. She is obese. I really hope the cruel bullying isn’t coming from her, but I am pretty sure it is. She acts catty, and immature when socializing with groups of other women. She will often pull me aside in conversations amongst family to trash talk other women. I’m sick of it. If she’s willing to do that when I’m present, I’m sure she is doing the same thing to me, when I’m not present. The sad part is, she is a college graduate with this mentality. She graduated before I did, with a degree in the same STEM field. She would rather discuss people with everyone, than discuss work, or anything related to her career field. It gets worse. She openly made fun of my son’s current school principal because she and the other moms believe he’s homosexual. I have never met him. I don’t care to meet him. She has been in his office multiple times to complain about how her son is being bullied. She complains to everyone around her about how the principal won’t do anything about the bullying. I offered to help her. I told her I could obtain an inter-district transfer to a school district with fewer instances of bullying. She just continued to rant about the principal. I haven’t spoken to her in days. So what has she been doing in the meantime? She has apparently been convincing someone else’s child to verbally harass me about my weight. She convinced them to do this with an insulting nickname that she helped create to bully obese people. Mind you, she created this nickname when she was thinner, during her years spent in high school. Has she not looked in the mirror since the 90’s? I am currently recovering from anemia, an infection, a dislocated bone (occurred last year), and other health issues like holes in my stomach that were found by an MRI in 2019. I can still manage to run/walk two miles per day on a foot with a broken bone that was never reset, also. She takes her dog for a walk once per month, or so, and calls it exercise. It is, but does she seriously think that gives her the right to bully someone who is not obese, or overweight? I haven’t once called her some cruel name to insinuate that she is obese. I was minding my own business today, when the child said the insult at me. It was a great day at work before this happened. Some person’s child approached me just as my day ended and said the cruel remark towards me while looking at me, and laughing. She had no other reason to approach me. She wasn’t trying to ask me for help, or for any information about my job site. She just approached me to help my older “sister” bully me. I am sick of obese, butch, female, bullies. I am so sick of them trying to turn the younger generation into their messengers, or new recruits for their gang. The sad part is, women like her bully everyone this way. It isn’t just me. I watch them bully their husbands, their kids, and even the other women they call friends. We’re all supposed to tolerate their tyranny and their tantrums? I wish there was a way to sign her up for therapy. I’ve been through therapy. With my medical history of past surgeries, a roll over car accident, a failed marriage, having been raped by a distant cousin in my sleep, and being raised by two distant relatives that won’t explain why; hell yeah, I have been through therapy! Someone needs to film her behavior; the bullying, the cruel gossiping, the spreading of lies, or how she makes people lash out on her behalf. It needs to be shared with a therapist. There is no reason I needed to be called fat today. Especially not through someone’s child, being recruited to do that. Someone’s child was TOLD to do so by a jealous, obese, woman IN HER 40’s! Do the men married to these women think it’s funny when they realize their wives are bullying other women that haven’t had any impact on their wife’s day, or life, at all? Do they sit around the table and joke about it at the end of the day? What do they say? “Wow, honey, you really ganged up on that woman for no reason! You’re so funny! Tell me again how you used to bully people like her in high school, when you were thin and popular!” I mean, really! I wasn’t popular. Most of my friends were gay, one of my friends didn’t speak English as a first language. Another was abused by her mom. Another was often bullied because her dad was murdered and her mom went to prison. A lot of my friends’ parents went to prison before I met my friends. We weren’t popular, but we sure didn’t go around bullying other people who were different. Seriously, tl;dr, what is my “sister’s” problem?!?
In college a few years ago, I decided to spend that time building up a foundation of beliefs and philosophy while my brain finished developing that would serve me for the rest of my life. This focus on self-improvement led to less mental energy spent on other people. I think this has given some the impression that I’m a little narcissistic, but I’ve been pretty good at avoiding overconfidence. I’ve long considered myself self-absorbed but not self-centered, focussing on myself but only so I can be a better person than I’ve been. Last Friday I realized that at some point I moved from one to the other. I stopped listening and started waiting to get conversations over with, only wondering what I was going to need to do for them. I stopped growing because I ran out out of things I had thought of that I had a reason to learn. I don’t like being like this. I am trying to shift from a “what do I need to do?” attitude to a “what do others need that I can help with?” Any advice?
When you walk into the room and the people in it exchange glances to one another, and then laugh, it doesn’t make you want to work here. For me, and where I live, it makes me want to move to Europe, or the U.K. and never come back. I’m treated like crap. I don’t like what I do for a living since 2017. I wish I had stood up to an abusive boss in 2017 and hired a lawyer. The guy would call me into his office during my scheduled breaks to grill me over my identity, while filming me with a camcorder he had set up on a tripod. I am literally the same person I have always been and my prints have been on file since I started my career in 2010, before becoming fully licensed in my field to have a salaried position. If that isn’t good enough, I’ve been a blood donor for Red Cross since 2009, and even have record of myself giving blood at mobile drives that were located on my university’s campus. Oh, and my former pediatrician took blood samples from me as a child. They can check my fingerprints from the early 90’s when local police enrolled my prints in the “find a child” program to prevent missing children. Anyway, I have been treated like crap since filing for divorce from my husband. I was treated better when we reconciled and were expecting baby number two. Then we split again, and I was treated like crap for filing for divorce for a second time. Long story short, the world is really shallow and only cares about how your personal life appears. Oh, here is this woman with a math degree who is very good at math and loved her career. Oh, who is her husband and what does her marriage look like? Not good? Let’s shun her and bully her. That has been my existence since this all started. No one cares to honor my achievements and licensures. My parents celebrated more when my son was born. I’m treated like unwanted packaging that once held the prized gift inside that they were expecting on a holiday. Like some Amazon box that has been tossed to the curb after the shipment has arrived.
I know it’s a strange question, and I’m sure it would be removed from Ask Lemmy, or other parts of Lemmy. I have this situation where one of my relatives killed another relative in 1990, and buried her body on the property without law enforcement ever knowing. He also buried another relative who was killed (by a different person), and buried her body around 1996. I have made posts venting a little about it. It is always met with downvotes and people denying that it ever happened. I have even been called crazy and told to remove my posts. I’d like a chance to show Lemmy readers that I’m not fabricating this story. I would love the opportunity to have cadaver dogs brought to my relative’s house and used to search the property. I’d be willing to film the process and post it to Lemmy for doubters to see. I have asked K-9 Hire if they will rent cadaver dogs to me, but they never returned my email, or called me. They were the only private business that I found in California that rents cadaver dogs to individuals without involving law enforcement. I have filed a report with law enforcement, but they haven’t responded to it. Let’s not wait until “Dad” is dead. Let’s have him start answering some questions about the 1990’s while he is still here, and claiming to be my biological father. Speaking of which, I look nothing like him, and he often expresses how much he hates the way my face looks. Friends often asked if I was adopted, when I was younger. There are no legal adoption papers for me. I don’t think it would hurt to take a dna blood test from “dad” in a medical facility, where he can’t go walk a saliva tube to some other man and brag about it later. I am owed some answers. I am owed several apologies for the child abuse I endured between 1988 and 2006. I think I’m owed for the threats made towards me when I tell him that I am considering unearthing those bodies. So the world takes his side, and hates snitches? How would the rest of the world have liked to have been those two relatives of mine that are buried here? How would they have liked to have been an abused child? Lemmy readers always complain about police not doing their job well. How well would they perform as police if they don’t care about murder and child abuse? So what am I asking for here? Help? Yes, actually. Does anyone know of a place that could rent cadaver dogs to me in California? If so, that would be such a great help to me.
People in my community are ignoring the dark brown, obvious, hair roots in nearly every photo of me and they’ve managed to spread a rumor that there are two of me. There aren’t. There is a bitter, short, adult male that is six years older than me and is trying to say he dated a prettier copy of me that doesn’t exist. I dated this guy for about three months, when he was a security guard. He is now a police officer in my home town, where he never lived or attended school. Apparently, he wanted to impress other guys, or protect his ego by saying he dated someone who looked like me; someone prettier who just had the same name. My dna hasn’t changed. My fingerprints on file with dmv haven’t changed. My fingerprints on file with DOJ for job site clearance have never changed. Neither has my thumb print on my exams that I had to pass in order to work in my career field. Regardless, I still am being put through hell since dumping him. Why did I dump him? He put my dog in a headlock in 2013, and tried to claim she attacked him. She was a puppy. I dumped him after he said, “I’m sorry for whatever you think you saw.” His daughter was the one that yelled at him to stop choking my dog. He told her to be quiet. Did we both see something? Oh, and apparently all custody of her went to her mom. The last time I saw her, she was running around a local pizza place in tattered clothes, and he wasn’t anywhere in sight. Maybe it just wasn’t his custody day? I didn’t see her mom there either, though. I really hope he didn’t let her go to foster care when he lost his security guard job.
If you had tried to pry a Monster or Rockstar from my hands last year, I would have had some choice words for you. I was drinking about two energy drinks per day last year and walking everywhere as transportation in a foreign country. Why so many energy drinks? Well, they were technically free. I had a food card overseas. I was living on less than €40 per week, too. I had no car, and would walk about two to five miles per day to go to various places in town, like shops, museums, libraries, and other public places. Due to being without a work visa, and walking so much, I developed an energy drink habit. When a doctor drew blood from me and analyzed my vitamin levels, the B vitamins were through the roof. I also noticed that I was short of breath, even though I was going to the gym every other day to stay in shape. Then I noticed my stomach was upset. Granted, with a food card of about €20 per week and less than €40 in cash each week, I resorted to living on imported ramen that was made in an African country that I didn’t even realize exported food to other countries. I wasn’t malnourished, but trying to stay on a budget and still afford essentials like toothpaste, deodorant, soap, razors, clothes, and other items, left me choosing the ramen over other items. Ramen and small cans of Red Bull (which I can’t usually stomach because of its after taste, but they were free). After that toxicity test, something needed to change. I decided to give up the energy drinks that are loaded with B vitamins. They DON’T wash out of your system like the nutrition course at my local college stated they do. They are harsh on your body. After that, I decided to give up caffeine completely. It just dehydrates the body, anyway. I feel better now. I’m also not spending a fortune on soda, coffee, and other caffeinated beverages now. I know someone will downvote me, while clutching their Monster, or Rockstar, and I feel for them. I would have downvoted me last year, too. You have to let the toxic cans/cups of energy go. You’ll feel better in a few weeks, if you do. I promise. My husband and his friends will probably find this, while gaming on their PC’s, and downing their bottles of Redline. I’m sure it will upset them. It is what it is.
That’s all I want to ask. It’s 2024, people. Shouldn’t all of our buildings have more skylights and windows at this point? Why am I still seeing buildings that have lights running during the day? Why are buildings still being built in ways where we need to rely on artificial light when the sun is shining?!? So much money and electricity could be saved.
Either I never belonged in the remedial classes, the GED is a participation trophy, or both are true. Bonus, I tested out of community college geometry, but struggle with online high school geometry. I mostly wanted the college class to have classroom support for the online high school classes. They refused to let me take the class because I tested out of it.
I've just become aware that this community has a new moderator! Congratulations to [@ParabolicMotion@lemmy.world](https://lemmy.world/u/ParabolicMotion) ! Moderating a community is a lot of thankless work, it's great to see a volunteer step in.